Transcription of a voice message to K., 10th of June, 2024.
« So okay, you know that’s complex to explain because even if at this very moment I hate my job and I hate its impact on my life, it’s still my job and I worked hard for it, I’m proud of it. I love most of the people I’m working with, that’s one of the biggest reason i’m still working here. That’s also a paradox, considering how my social battery can be empty pretty quick, but some people fuel me and some others empty me, I just need to find the balance everyday.
But leaning that much on others, and their opinion, that may be the issue you know, my own value has always been linked to my ability to succeed and to perform, at school or at work. I was praised for that, I’m still needing this today because it’s my pattern, even if I worked a lot on that issue. Luckily, I’m only listening to some trusting people, I wouldn’t survive otherwise !
And that’s also a question of imposter’s syndrome, I often feel like I don’t deserve the praise and recognition I have, so I’m working even harder to deserve it. That’s what makes me a good employee for a company, but that’s also what’s killing me slowly, and that’s hard to cope with that some days. That means working on my way of thinking life, and success in life. That’s also why I never stop doing anything. If I stop, my mind starts spiraling and that’s easier to maintain what I know even if it may be toxic, that putting everything in perspective and freaking out. »
I want to keep a trace of that voice message, it was a bit raw and vulnerable maybe, but pretty much answering how I felt at this very moment about my work. In a way, that was easier by voice than by text, for once. Most of the time, I prefer writing. I can re-check, clarify my words, adding nuance. You can’t do that with a voice message. That’s also sharing a voice, some emotions that can go through, that’s almost intimate. It is for me.
Admitting some of these things was a bit hard at some point, but pretty easy to say at the same time. Like I knew that was the truth, but also knowing that saying it means I need to do something about it now. The fact is, I can’t now, and won’t soon. But admitting the situation is already freeing. The goal is not to accept it, to settle on this ; but to find ways to naviguate with internal and external pressure, needs and wants from everyone, and mine.
Maybe, starting to put mine first.